Wherein Dende Wants to Know Where Humans Get More
by Captain LeBubbles
Summary: Dende just wanted to know where new humans came from. He hadn't meant it to escalate.


**Wherein Dende Wants to Know How Humans Get More of Them**  
**Summary**: An innocent question leads to an increasingly awkward series of events that spirals out of control before anyone can stop it.  
**Pairings**: None, except for background canon pairings.  
**Time:** Between six months to a year before the Saiyaman Saga picks up.

**A/N:** I found this on my computer and even though I think it was going to be longer, the end point actually feels like it could be used to end it. So I decided to post it.

**(o.o.o)**

Piccolo halted his meditation when Dende came to stand before him, his arms clasped behind his back to wait patiently for Piccolo to finish.

"Yes?" he asked. Dende rarely interrupted his meditation, but sometimes the boy needed advice and when that happened, Piccolo was happy to drop what he was doing and help.

Well, okay, _Kami_ was happy for Piccolo to drop what he was doing and help, but Piccolo generally did what the old man said in these cases just to avoid the nagging. Not that he minded helping Dende. He was exceedingly fond of the young Namek, and anyway, wasn't that why he'd chosen to stay at the Lookout in the first place? So he could use Kami's experience to give the Earth's young guardian any help he might need? And because it beat being a hobo?

"I'm sorry to interrupt your meditations, Piccolo," Dende said politely. "I have a question about humans that I was hoping you might answer."

"I'll answer what I can, Dende. I don't really understand humans, but I have a grasp of the basics. What do you want to know?"

"Well, I know that humans have two genders, male and female, and that they need one of each in order to reproduce."

"This is true," Piccolo said. "It's an odd concept to get accustomed to, but it seems to work for them."

"Yes, well... what I wanted to know was... how."

"How?"

"Yes. How."

"How. Hm."

Piccolo frowned in thought. He'd never really considered it before; the romantic side of human interaction was not something that interested him. He knew about as much as Dende seemed to- that it took a man and a woman or it wouldn't work. To be honest, it seemed kind of careless and inelegant, there being the need for two. What if something happened to their race? Even if only a single Namek remained, he could, with time, repopulate their species, as had happened in the past, during hardships. But if only a single human remained, or two of the same gender, then the human race was doomed, unless, like the Saiyans had done, they found a compatible race to mix with. But then it was just like humans to be so irresponsible with their future. This was a race that put their faith in Hercule Satan whenever there was a problem, after all.

Still, he had never actually thought about the mechanics of human reproduction. He consulted Kami, but the old man seemed about as clueless as he did. Despite being Earth's guardian for so long, it had never occurred to him to wonder about how his people reproduced.

"I have no idea, Dende," he finally said. "I never thought about it before. Neither has Kami, it seems."

"Oh. Hm."

Dende sat down beside Piccolo and mirrored his pose and thoughtful expression. It was a habit of his when he was thinking about a problem especially hard. Gohan had caught him at it once. He'd thought it was funny. Of course, he'd still been dressing like Piccolo at the time, so Dende had been quick to point out his hypocrisy. Gohan had thought that was pretty funny too. Piccolo had just been alarmed that there were now two children trying to emulate him, instead of just one. Didn't they realize what a_ very bad idea_ that was?

The two sat in silence for a while, trying to decide on how to solve their problem. After awhile, Piccolo stood.

"I'm going down to the planet," he said. "I'll find some kind of documentation that can answer your question."

"All right, Piccolo." Dende smiled. He knew Piccolo would come through for him, as always. "Thank you for helping."

**(o.o.o)**

Piccolo had considered the situation while he flew away from the Lookout, and had decided that a health store would be the best place to look for the information he wanted. He recalled seeing one near Capsule Corp last time he'd been, so he set his course for that one.

One of the store's employees greeted him when he entered. The store was fairly empty, but for a few employees and only two customers. The employees, for the most part, seemed to be frightened by the look at him, but that was just normal for him. He seemed to evoke fear in a lot of people. Probably had something to do with being seven-and-a-half feet tall, with green skin, fangs, and pointy ears.

"Can I help you, sir?" the employee asked, visibly shaken, but ever professional.

"I want to see visual evidence of human reproduction," Piccolo said.

The other occupants of the store all stopped what they were doing to stare at him. He sighed.

"Whoah, whoah, easy there, guy," the employee said. He placed a hand on Piccolo's back and guided him toward the back of the store. He held his other hand up to his mouth and dropped his voice to a whisper while they walked. "Keep your voice down, wouldja? Around here we try to be a little discreet about that sorta thing. We have what you want in the back, right this way."

Piccolo didn't understand why the situation called for discretion, but then, he understood very little about humans. Maybe they didn't like thinking about reproduction?

He allowed the man to lead him into the back room, where there were several shelves lined with videos. Piccolo frowned. Obviously he'd underestimated the human ability to document their actions.

"So.." the man said. "Is there anything particular that you're interested in?"

"I wish to view visual evidence of human reproduction," he repeated.

"So ya' said," the man replied. "You're new ta this sorta thing, aren't ya?"

"It's not something that has ever interested me in the past, no."

"Ehh, we all feel the urge sooner or later," the man said casually. He inspected the nearest shelf before selecting one particular video, which he handed to Piccolo. "This is a good one. Everything's pretty straightforward, and it's also got a plot, so that'll ease ya into the idea."

A plot? Piccolo recalled Gohan mentioning once that humans told stories in order to teach their young particularly difficult lessons. Perhaps that was why there were so many videos here; many humans had different ideas for how to introduce their concept to their young, and as humans often did, they all put their ideas there for others to choose from. He looked at the image on the box. The man pictured was holding his sword wrong.

The clerk pressed the video into Piccolo's hands. "Here, this one is perfect for ya, I can tell. And if you don't like it, I'll even let ya return it, exchange it for somethin' else."

Ten minutes later, Piccolo left the store in high spirits, pleased that he'd been able to solve a problem without resorting to blasting anything. Kami always bitched at him when he tried to solve problems with explosions, even though explosions were clearly the best course of action to take in any situation.

His high spirits continued until he got to the lookout and remembered that they didn't have a video player. He left the video on the table and took off again, cursing his thoughtlessness. Ah well, he was sure he could find someone to borrow from. He didn't think Gohan had one, but he was sure Roshi did. His flight took a more southwardly route as he headed off to Kame house to ask if he could borrow it.

**(o.o.o)**

Vegeta flailed and nearly overbalanced when the gravity in the GR shut off right in the middle of a punch. He caught himself easily enough, and, glad that no one had witnessed his momentary loss of dignity, stormed over to the door to find out who had been foolish enough to interrupt his training.

"Someone had _better be dead_," he said crossly, when the door opened to reveal Bulma, her arms folded angrily, a stern look on her face. She tapped her foot impatiently. "Well? What do you want?"

"Do you even know what today is?"

He thought a moment. "Thursday?"

"Oh, real cute. It's the first day of your son's summer break from school. And he wants to spend it with you."

"What's your point? He knows where to find me."

"He wants to spend it with you _not training_," she added. "He wants to spend time with you that doesn't involve being a better fighter. He wants to spend a day with you as his _father_, not his _teacher_." She shook her head sadly. "It won't hurt you to take a day off to spend some quality time with your son, Vegeta." She held up a finger. "Just one day, Vegeta. You have all summer to get him 'back into shape'." She accentuated the last bit with air quotes, because both of them knew that Trunks was in far better shape than any other eight-year-old on the planet. "Just give him one day."

Vegeta briefly considered refusing Bulma's demand, but decided against it. It was perfectly normal for a boy to want to spend time with his father, after all. He'd felt the very same way at that age; of course, his father's idea of quality time had been to take him on a mission, which he doubted would go over well with his irate mate. Besides, maybe he could use this to his advantage. There were more ways to sharpen the boy's abilities than simply abusing the gravity room.

"All right, I'll spend a day with him," he said, grabbing a towel from the rack. "But first, a shower." He smirked at her. "You're welcome to join me, if you like."

**(o.o.o)**

Trunks was unable to keep the grin off his face as he followed his dad through the city. They'd stopped for ice cream cones and were now licking them contentedly while they walked. He couldn't believe it. A whole day with his dad, just the two of them!

"So, what should we do next?" he asked, crunching on the last bit of his cone. Above him, his father was just finishing off his as well.

"How about hide-and-seek?" Vegeta asked. He knew it was a personal favorite of Trunks and Kakarrot's youngest child, and he'd realized some time ago that was actually a very good way to strengthen the ability to sense and suppress energy. He could train the boy and call it play and Bulma would never be the wiser.

Trunks' grin got, if possible, even bigger than before. "Hide-and-seek? Really? What are the boundaries?"

Vegeta considered this for a moment. "The northern hemisphere. And by the way..." He touched his index finger to the center of Trunks' forehead- "you're it."- and blasted off before Trunks could protest.

Trunks grumbled at being made it without contest, but closed his eyes and started counting none-the-less. When he'd made it to two hundred, he took off into the air, stopping when he was hovering high above the city.

He knew that if the boundaries were the entire northern hemisphere, then his father could be anywhere. He'd had plenty of time while Trunks was counting to get far away and the only way to find him was to sense out his energy. He closed his eyes and started looking for the tell-tale energy signature that would lead him to his dad.

Several minutes passed before it occurred to Trunks that his dad was probably suppressing his energy, at least enough that he couldn't find him from here. He decided to try a different approach and headed off in the direction of Kami's Lookout, where he would have much more range than he did in and above the city. Plus, there was always the chance that his dad was hiding there, though he doubted it.

He landed on the Lookout to find Dende in his usual place, looking out over the Earth.

"Hey Dende," he said cheerily. "My dad's not here, is he?"

Dende shook his head. "Sorry, Trunks. I can help you find him, if you like."

"Nah, that's all right." Trunks fold his hands behind his head and wandered toward the inner portion of the Lookout. He would go back to looking for his dad in a moment, but he didn't get up to the Lookout that much and he'd never really had a chance to explore it properly. "We're just playing hide-and-seek. I'll find him myself."

Dende accepted this and went back to looking out over the Earth for any signs of trouble, leaving Trunks to explore uninterrupted. He wandered through the Lookout, but it seemed kind of boring. There were a few rooms, some plants, a door that he remembered being told led to the Room of Spirit and Time, but nothing really caught his interest. He was getting ready to return to his game when he spotted a video sitting on a table.

"Hey, Dende!" he called. "What's this video?"

Dende entered the room, a confused look on his face. "What video?"

Trunks held up the video in question. "Looks kind of interesting," he said. He scanned the summary on the back. "Some guy becomes a slave and has to fight to earn his freedom. He's holding his sword wrong, though."

"I've never seen it before," Dende said. "I don't know how it got here."

"Maybe it used to be Kami's, or the guy who lived here before him. Can I borrow it? There might be some good fight scenes in it."

"I.. suppose so," Dende said. "But bring it back tomorrow, okay? It may be Piccolo's, though I don't know why he has it. We don't even have a video player up here. All the same, best to get it back as soon as you can."

"Thanks, Dende." He tucked the video into the front of his shirt and took a running jump into the air above the Lookout. He felt out the area for his dad's energy signature and found it some way to the west. "Bingo," he said happily, and zoomed off in that direction.

**(o.o.o)**

"Why do you need a video player, anyway, Piccolo?" Krillen asked. "I didn't think you even watched television."

"I don't," he explained. "It's for Dende."

"Didn't think he watched television, either." Krillen crossed his arms and looked confused. "Shouldn't he be watching over the Earth instead?"

Piccolo was considering the merits of blasting Krillen when the door to Kame house opened and 18 and Marron came out to join them.

"Just let him borrow the player, Krillen," she said, in that unnervingly calm voice of hers. "If Dende wants to watch a video, he can." She set Marron on the ground, and the little girl immediately ran to 'Uncle Piccolo' and began trying to climb up his cape. She turned to Piccolo. "Although... does the Lookout even have the correct power outlets?"

Come to think of it... no. No they did not.

"Why is learning about human reproduction so complicated?" he asked himself quietly. "I just want to know where humans get their young."

"Silly Uncle Piccolo," Marron said, having overheard him- not hard to do; she'd made it up his back and was hanging from one of his shoulders. "Babies come from the Las Vegas. When a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they go to Vegas and order a baby from the stork, and then nine months later he brings them one. Didn't you know?"

"No, I didn't." He frowned. Actually, it made no sense whatsoever. "This just brings up a lot more questions that need answers."

18 strolled over with her casual, effortless grace and plucked Marron from Piccolo's back. "Marron, why don't you and Daddy go try to convince Roshi and Oolong to watch cartoons with you? I bet you can if you ask really nicely."

"Okay." Marron grinned her biggest smile. "Come on, Daddy!"

She grabbed a bewildered Krillen's hand and led him into the house, leaving 18 and Piccolo alone. For a long time, the two simply stood beside each other, staring out at the waves. It was 18 who finally broke the silence.

"The Vegas thing was Krillen's idea," she explained. "He didn't think she was old enough to know where babies really come from."

Piccolo snorted. "On Namek, as soon as a child is old enough to ask, he is old enough to learn."

"Namekians come from eggs. It's a bit more complicated with humans. But if you want to know, I'll tell you."

He was silent for a long time, wondering how long this would take. Well, he did want to know about human reproduction, and 18 did have personal experience. What better way to find out? He nodded.

"I'd like to know."

"All right then. When humans enter adolescence, generally in the preteen years, their bodies start to change, and..."

**(o.o.o)**

The waitress winked at Vegeta when she placed the plates in front of him and Trunks. He was used to that, though. There were plenty of women who saw him and instantly wanted a piece, and this number tended to triple when Trunks was around. Honestly, human women. Show them a man with a kid and their hormones shot through the roof.

He shook his head in disgust and dove into his meal with gusto, while Trunks did the same across from him. They'd given up hide-and-seek after a few hours and moved on to other pursuits, and were now eating before returning home for dinner. As he ate, he noticed a weird shape in Trunks' shirt. He pointed a half-eaten chicken leg at it.

"What's that?"

Trunks patted the shape. Apparently he'd forgotten about it, whatever it was. "Oh, this. It's a video. Dende said I could borrow it." He took out the video and handed to his dad for inspection. "It looks kind of interesting. Guy becomes a slave and has to fight for his freedom."

Vegeta studied the video while he finished the chicken leg. "He's holding his sword wrong," he said eventually, and handed the video back. "But it might have some good fight scenes in it."

"That's what I thought." He tucked the video back into his shirt. "I'm gonna watch it tonight."

**(o.o.o)**

Bulma hummed contentedly to herself. A whole day without either of her boys underfoot- a rare treat, though she doubted she could handle many days like that. She was pretty fond of her two Saiyan princes and liked having them around.

Speaking of which, it was almost Trunks' bedtime. She headed up to his room to tell him goodnight and make sure he'd showered. He tended to avoid those like the plague these days.

She knocked on his door and entered when she heard the disinterested "come in" from within. Trunks was seated on the end of his bed, watching- watching-

"Trunks!" She dashed over and switched the television off just in time to prevent him from seeing the woman take her panties off. "What are you watching?"

"A movie." He handed her the case. She felt a bit faint. "What's the big deal? Dad said I could watch it."

Bulma opened and closed her mouth several times, unable to form words or even coherent sound. She could feel her blood rushing to her head, and her eyes began to blaze with her fury.

"Oh he DID, did he?" She spun on her heel and stormed off in the direction of the bathroom, where she knew Vegeta would be showering.

**(o.o.o)**

Vegeta sighed in pleasure as the hot water hit his back and cascaded down his body, leaving tiny rivulets of heat in their wake. He loved hot showers. One of his favorite perks of living on a planet instead of on a space ship was that he had no reason to ration his water; he could take as long a shower as he wanted.

He heard the door open and sensed Bulma entering the room. Perfect. The only thing better than a hot shower was a hot shower with his hot wife.

"Vegeta!"

...Which if her shouting was any indication, he wasn't going to get. He sighed. Great.

"What do you want? I'm showering." He poked his head around the shower curtain and smirked. "If you're here to join me, by all means, but if you're just going to yell at me you can just go away until I've finished."

She glared at him, livid, and reached out to flush the toilet. The water turned icy cold, which was the exact opposite of a nice hot shower and would have made a lesser man scream like a little pansy girl. But Vegeta, Vegeta was no lesser man. He was the prince of all Saiyans. He didn't, wouldn't scream. He just sputtered.

"You're finished, now get out here."

The water was already beginning to warm again, but he knew it was only a matter of seconds before the toilet was full enough to flush again. He took the only logical course of action. He got out of the shower.

"Someone had better be dead," he said angrily, "if it's important enough for you to interrupt my shower."

"Oh, it's important." She held up the video Trunks had shown him earlier. "Did you tell your son that he could watch this?"

"Yes." He began digging around in his closet for the sweats he usually slept in. "That's what was so important?"

"Yeah, I don't want my eight-year-old son watching this kind of movie. Imagine that."

"You should stop babying him. He's going to grow up to be soft with your interference."

"Soft-!" She picked up one of her slippers and threw it at his head. He didn't even bother to duck. "Look, I don't care how things were on your homeworld, but here on Earth, we really don't want our kids looking at this sort of thing."

"I suppose you'd rather he watch that drivel that Kakarrot and Baldie's brats are always begging to see."

"Better that than this! I'm putting my foot down on this one, Vegeta. This is not appropriate for a little boy."

It was pretty clear that this was one argument he wasn't going to win.

"Fine, whatever. Doesn't matter anyway. He can take it back to Dende in the morning."

"Dende?" Bulma gaped at him. "He got this... from Dende?"

"That's what he said."

Bulma stared in shock at the video's case. He couldn't say he blamed her. Dende freely admitted to not being a fighter, and he didn't think there was a video player at the Lookout anyway, so he didn't know why the young guardian even owned the video. But then, he didn't really care. He'd learned not to question the actions of Namekians, anyway. Their ways were too odd for him to understand.

**(o.o.o)**

"...and that's where human babies come from."

Piccolo had lost all of his famous composure and was staring at 18 with undisguised horror.

"Humans..." he began, "are inelegant, messy, disgusting creatures. And you're saying you-"

"Yes."

His eyes flicked downward for the barest of seconds before returned to her face.

"And- and she just-"

"Exited."

Piccolo recoiled slightly. How could she be so calm about this?

"Wasn't that-"

"Painful? Yes. But worth it."

Piccolo didn't get humans. Still, he'd developed a new-found respect for their women.

"That's disgusting," he said again.

"Your race reproduces by regurgitating eggs."

"Yes, and I think that's a much better system than what your species has come up with."

"Maybe." She shrugged, obviously not concerned with having this particular argument. "But I bet it's not nearly as fun."

Piccolo decided he'd had enough of this conversation. He left. Quickly.

If he got back early enough, he could return that video. Knowing the sort of thing that was likely to be on it, he could reason pretty well that he never, ever, ever wanted to see what was on it.

**(o.o.o)**


End file.
